Announcements,
Demonetization and online dating
There is no single event that runs a chill down the spine of
Indians than PM Modi planning to make an “important” announcement. Of course
preceded by the now eternal part of pop culture… “Mitron”
Today was a stressful day. At 11am, Modi declared that he
will be making a very important announcement at 11.45am IST... Which eventually turned out to be MST.
Almost instantly, everybody lost their shit. Productivity
across offices in India plummeted to almost absolute zero levels. News channel
anchors snorted lines of cocaine (which are tactfully hidden from the frame)
and went into overdrive.
Side note –
Arnab did not need any since like Obelix (of Asterix fame), he probably fell
into a barrel of cocaine when he was a child
Each of 130 crore deshvasis were full of expectation &
speculation. WhatsApp servers were pushed to their limits.
News anchors predicted a declaration of war. Students and
their parents felt he might announce the board exam results.
However, jiski sabse jyada g***d fatti wo thi India ki minority
community. I am also a part of this minority community. It is called “Tax
payers”!
For taxpayers, it felt like déjà vu, trip back down
nightmare lane – demonetization. Incidentally it so happened, that I was on my
way to an ATM to withdraw cash with only 2 hundred rupee notes in my pocket. As
I walked towards the bank, I received this WhatsApp message.
I have never run so fast backwards in my life. If it was a
legit sport, I would have been the champion.
Side note –
That is the irony of my life. I am a champion in many things that are
infinitely inconsequential
I fucked off out of that place and did not want to be in 500
meter radius of any ATM or any financial institution for that matter. I decided
to buy a pack of cigarettes with the last cash I had left. I figured that they
would at least come in handy as stress relievers today. Also, because unlike a
certain someone, we cannot roll and smoke currency notes at will to relieve
stress!
Here’s the irony though. The paan wala said – “Abhi ek
ghanta sirf Paytm lenge sahib”. Case closed.
Eventually, the announcement turned out to be one that could
not take the media’s hard on to the logical climax. Things rolled back to humdrum
“normal”
Side note -
#Maibhichowkidaar #IloveModi #becasueIdontwanttodieyoung
So now, after a stressful day, I sat in a café by the
office, using their free Wi-Fi to do my favourite stress relieving activity –
being shallow via Tinder.
Now here is the thing... I have been a Tinder user for years. So much so that while other young single men boast a single strong forearm, I now
have a strongly built right thumb instead. (some people are giving a “haw”
expression now)
Moving on, in my experience, there is one breed of girls on
Tinder that I despise. They irritate the fuck out of me!
These are the girls who put up only group photos on Tinder. 6
group photos, 6 girls in each picture… Pehchaan kaun!?
This is no more online dating. This is now a legit CAT
entrance exam logical reasoning multiple choice question.
So, I sit down in despair, get a paper and pen and start
solving the problem. In real life…………… DESPERATION > IRRITATION (or any
other emotion)
I solve 90% and narrow down to two options. But there is a
catch. One of the options is a super-hot girl while the other is super ugly.
Now, there is a hack to solving this last hurdle – check the name. If the name is
anything like Natasha (i.e. a sexy name), then go for it.
Because, it is a well know life rule that a girl who goes by the name
Natasha, can only be hot.
However, the trade off and risk rewards calculations begin
if the name turns out to be the likes of Pooja or Neha or something common
Side note –
Seriously. If I stand on any street crossing and shout any of these names, statistical
evidence proves that at least 4-5 girls will turn around.
So, while there is the high risk, there is a potentially
high reward situation at hand here. Red pill or Blue pill, Neo? Mentally, I am
already deeply involved in a hypothetical relationship with Natasha. Mere mann
mein hamare bacche bhi ho gaye jinki shakal Natasha par gayi hai (thankfully).
However, deep down I know that I do not have any chance in
hell with Natasha. If my profile shows up on her feed, her phone crashes…
dead.. Beyond repair. However, where there is hope, there is also a serious
lack of rationale.
And hence, I still swipe right. Because, as in dating, as in
life and as in politics, the temptation these 3 words is too hard to resist –
Acche Din Ayenge!
