Announcements, Demonetization and online dating

Announcements, Demonetization and online dating

There is no single event that runs a chill down the spine of Indians than PM Modi planning to make an “important” announcement. Of course preceded by the now eternal part of pop culture… “Mitron”

Today was a stressful day. At 11am, Modi declared that he will be making a very important announcement at 11.45am IST... Which eventually turned out to be MST.

Almost instantly, everybody lost their shit. Productivity across offices in India plummeted to almost absolute zero levels. News channel anchors snorted lines of cocaine (which are tactfully hidden from the frame) and went into overdrive.

Side note – Arnab did not need any since like Obelix (of Asterix fame), he probably fell into a barrel of cocaine when he was a child

Each of 130 crore deshvasis were full of expectation & speculation. WhatsApp servers were pushed to their limits.

News anchors predicted a declaration of war. Students and their parents felt he might announce the board exam results.

However, jiski sabse jyada g***d fatti wo thi India ki minority community. I am also a part of this minority community. It is called “Tax payers”!

For taxpayers, it felt like déjà vu, trip back down nightmare lane – demonetization. Incidentally it so happened, that I was on my way to an ATM to withdraw cash with only 2 hundred rupee notes in my pocket. As I walked towards the bank, I received this WhatsApp message.

I have never run so fast backwards in my life. If it was a legit sport, I would have been the champion.

Side note – That is the irony of my life. I am a champion in many things that are infinitely inconsequential

I fucked off out of that place and did not want to be in 500 meter radius of any ATM or any financial institution for that matter. I decided to buy a pack of cigarettes with the last cash I had left. I figured that they would at least come in handy as stress relievers today. Also, because unlike a certain someone, we cannot roll and smoke currency notes at will to relieve stress!

Here’s the irony though. The paan wala said – “Abhi ek ghanta sirf Paytm lenge sahib”. Case closed.

Eventually, the announcement turned out to be one that could not take the media’s hard on to the logical climax. Things rolled back to humdrum “normal”

Side note - #Maibhichowkidaar #IloveModi #becasueIdontwanttodieyoung

So now, after a stressful day, I sat in a café by the office, using their free Wi-Fi to do my favourite stress relieving activity – being shallow via Tinder.

Now here is the thing... I have been a Tinder user for years. So much so that while other young single men boast a single strong forearm, I now have a strongly built right thumb instead. (some people are giving a “haw” expression now)

Moving on, in my experience, there is one breed of girls on Tinder that I despise. They irritate the fuck out of me!

These are the girls who put up only group photos on Tinder. 6 group photos, 6 girls in each picture… Pehchaan kaun!?

This is no more online dating. This is now a legit CAT entrance exam logical reasoning multiple choice question.

So, I sit down in despair, get a paper and pen and start solving the problem. In real life…………… DESPERATION > IRRITATION (or any other emotion)

I solve 90% and narrow down to two options. But there is a catch. One of the options is a super-hot girl while the other is super ugly. Now, there is a hack to solving this last hurdle – check the name. If the name is anything like Natasha (i.e. a sexy name), then go for it. 

Because, it is a well know life rule that a girl who goes by the name Natasha, can only be hot.

However, the trade off and risk rewards calculations begin if the name turns out to be the likes of Pooja or Neha or something common

Side note – Seriously. If I stand on any street crossing and shout any of these names, statistical evidence proves that at least 4-5 girls will turn around.

So, while there is the high risk, there is a potentially high reward situation at hand here. Red pill or Blue pill, Neo? Mentally, I am already deeply involved in a hypothetical relationship with Natasha. Mere mann mein hamare bacche bhi ho gaye jinki shakal Natasha par gayi hai (thankfully).

However, deep down I know that I do not have any chance in hell with Natasha. If my profile shows up on her feed, her phone crashes… dead.. Beyond repair. However, where there is hope, there is also a serious lack of rationale.

And hence, I still swipe right. Because, as in dating, as in life and as in politics, the temptation these 3 words is too hard to resist – Acche Din Ayenge!